The Daily Struggle
Every now and then it would be nice to not have given up smoking. You know those times right. At least if you were a smoker you do. It is a moment in time where you step back from all the crap flying around you and remind the moments of bliss something so simply could have given you.
I haven’t touched a cigarette in close to 10 years now, the longest I have been free since the time I quit for 5 years. That’s part of the problem of smoking though, you never really quit. If you put the nicotine in your system again you are just as hooked as you always were. And I don’t know what any of this has to do with here nor there. But it was a random thought I had while out on the bike recently.
See, I had been riding through and enjoying a moment in the sun. I saw an older woman on her porch with her forehead resting on her arms leaning on the railing of her porch. A cigarette clenched tight in one hand as a trail of smoke stretched to the sky above. The vision had taken me back. I had been there so many times before. Didn’t even matter what it was that put her there and in that position.
It was the face of addiction that so many of us still struggle with. Sometimes the fight is a pushover and we don’t have to even think about it and then there are those times when it pulls at us. The pull can be so strong that it is hard to stand. The tougher part is the times when you don’t think about it. The cravings can be subtle, hidden in tough times and hard choices. These times when we stress so much that we just want a little release.
It is in those moments that the cravings are quiet and subtle. They don’t smack you in the face and demand you pay attention to them. No, they whisper and entice. I felt it in that moment. Seeing that woman there on her porch, I could taste the cigarette.
Smoking like chewing gum is a disgusting habit. The flavors are sweet and inviting. There is a bit of euphoric high that comes from them. They slowly take over our senses. When the addictions are at their worst, that is when you can see it, taste it, smell it, that what you are doing is awful and you still want more. The next one will be better, you’re sure of it. And it never is.
So I didn’t buy smokes again. I didn’t bum one from someone I don’t know. But the cravings still come and go. And you take it all day by day. There may come a time, maybe another ten years from now where I look back fondly at the addiction again. The demons will whisper in my hear, maybe then they will have grown so quiet that I won’t understand what they say.
If you enjoy these stories, consider leaving some coffee money in the jar or you could buy a book or two. Either way helps keep the stories flowing.